Be All There

Somehow it has been an entire two weeks since I walked in this front door in the wee hours of the morning, practically tripping over my feet as I rushed to be inside the place that I still consider home, although I have spent less than a month and a half here this year. I've spent the past few hours trying to make sense of the wreck of my room (honestly, I told my mom I was tempted to just light a match and walk away--she was not amused) in preparation to move back to school about 10 hours from now.

I feel a bit like a nomad lately (or a gypsy maybe, we should go with that) because it's difficult to settle anywhere when you know you'll only be there temporarily. I've had a hard time not moping around because I'm really, really missing both my job and everyone I met this summer, and I'm also worrying about the coming school year and the seeming enormous amount I have to tackle. What I've realized after a hard, long two weeks of lots of sad music and no shortage of tears is that I am living way too much in the past and the future.

 

 

 

 

Being "all there", wherever I am, is the only way I've ever really been content in my life. I've had a lot to look back on in the past few years to either be morose about or miss, and I've also known for quite awhile that my future, while exciting, will probably also be quite challenging.

 

But I'm not actually living in the past, nor can I change it, and thinking about the future never gets me too far (it probably doesn't help that most of the scenarios I think through are ridiculous or impossible!)

 

Matthew 6:30-34 (The Message) says "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you?...People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works... Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

 

What a reminder! What a promise! I do know God and how He works--I've been loving Him imperfectly for 12 years, and He hasn't failed me yet, even though we all know that I am a mess.

 

I don't want to spend the coming school year living in the past or worrying so much about the future. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, I want to be all there, not just there physically with my mind somewhere else.

 

We don't live in the past or future. As limited human beings, we're confined to the contraints of time, and thus we live right here, right now. Why are we trying to live anywhere else? We can't transcend the boundaries of time--that's God's business. He's at work in the past, present, and future (which completely blows my mind!), but we are not doing anything anywhere other than right here, right now.

 

I intend to live with this intention: to be present where I am, to focus my attention on those I am with and what I am doing. I'll leave the work in the past and future up to God--my thinking about both of these hasn't changed anything anyway. May I, and you too, be reminded of this each time we're not quite "all there."

Worth the Risk

This photo really needs no explanation.

So friends, my Texan summer has come to a close. I have been trying (and subsequently failing) to write this post since I returned home last Wednesday, and finally decided to just get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid.

I anticipated the transition between my Texas home and Illinois home to be hard, but even I was surprised as I had to pull over on my way out of town to cry my eyes out.

My last week in San Angelo was pretty much a whirlwind. I squeezed in as much time with my friends as possible, including an awesome two-day musical festival called Rock the Desert, where we saw The Afters, Needtobreathe, Chris Tomlin, and RELIENT K among others. A perfect way to spend my last weekend in Texas!

Something that I contemplated often throughout my summer and now in my transition to life back at home is whether or not temporary relationships are worth it.

When I first arrived in San Angelo, I completely had an all-business attitude. I did not sign up for a summer of having fun and meeting new friends, and I certainly did not intend to do either. I wanted to serve the Lord and do so whole-heartedly, which I thought meant focusing on my internship and only the work that that entailed. Admittedly, I also did not want to get close to people who I would inevitably be leaving. But God has always had the habit of taking my foolish plans and shaking them up, so I suppose I should not be surprised by the fact that He plopped me in one of the most incredibly loving and generous communities I have ever been a part of and surrounded me with multiple people who I felt instant connections with.

My two best friends from the summer are Wayne and Lucy. They were both missionaries from Go Now Missions, also sent to work for Kids Eat Free. Although required to spend about 8 hours a day, every day, together for our jobs, we also spent almost every weekend and many nights hanging out, usually "sheep hunting" around San Angelo and hitting up Sonic at happy hour.

Lucy and Wayne are two of the most faithful, God-honoring people I have ever met. Their passion for the work of God and love for His people impressed me, challenged me, and made me strive to hold more of these qualities in my own life. Working with both of them this summer was an honor, and I know that my experience would have been a lot more boring, quiet, and lonely without them.

It has been a full week now since they walked me out to my packed-to-the-brim car, waving as I pulled out of the office parking lot for the last time. Although many texts and facebook posts have already been exchanged, I often find myself thinking "Oh, I'll have to tell Wayne and Lucy about that when I get back to the office," and sadly realize that I will not, in fact, being seeing their faces anytime soon.


The other groups of people who kept me sane this summer were those that I met through my church, Southland Baptist, those in the College and Career class there, and friends that I made from the Air Force base. Again, I really tried to not make any friends--I seriously do not like to miss people. But I have never in my life been welcomed with such generosity and genuine kindness as I was in the community of San Angelo.
 


Hiking with some Church/Air Force friends.

Leaving San Angelo and all of the incredible friends I made there was wayyyy harder than I had anticipated. But not once on my way home or since I've gotten here have I thought I wish I hadn't bothered. These people are part of my story now. I wouldn't be the same without them or their friendship, no matter how temporary. Although many of us have promised to keep in touch, as time goes on and life gets all the crazier, we'll likely talk less and less. Some, I hope, will be a part of the rest of my life, even if this is only occasionally. 

Living the kind of life I have chosen, going where God leads me, means that I probably have a life chock-full of hellos and goodbyes ahead of me. Possibilities for the next few years include spending a semester in Kenya, joining the Peace Corps, or even just going to grad school in a different state. All of these situations would be knowingly temporary, and would require me to be faced with that risky decision once again: to invest or not invest?

Making new friends in a place where I lived for only 8 weeks was risky. For me, who loves deeply and takes friendship so seriously, I could not see how taking the risk to care about people I knew I would be leaving could ever be worth it. But I've changed my mind.

SO WORTH IT.