When God Gives You Everything You Want

I've prayed some dangerous prayers in my life.

When I was 12, I heard a camp counselor at a church retreat share her testimony that was filled with stories of abuse, addiction, and heartbreak. I thought my testimony is very boring. So I prayed: LORD, I want a story that’s more interesting. For anyone who knows my testimony eight years later, it could fill a book. A long one. When I was 15, I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, which is a prayer that I haven’t ditched since. Since that day, my heart has been broken over and over again  by the brokenness of our world: broken relationships, broken institutions, broken systems. Broken people. This is why I’m studying social work; I’m essentially asking that my heart continue to be broken on the daily for the rest of my life so that I will continue to want to do something about our broken world. About a month and a half ago, I prayed another dangerous prayer: Restless and feeling useless for two weeks at home, I agonized over feeling like I had no purpose, and continually asked God to just give me something to do. And oh, did He ever answer!

The last five weeks have been the fullest I have ever experienced in my life, and some days I feel like I’m just trying to keep my head above water. My roommates and I joke about how I don’t really live in our room, but it’s pretty true—there are days when I am gone from 9 to 9. In some ways I feel like something’s got to give—I'm averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night, I've already gotten sick once, I've barely talked to my family since I've been back at school, and there are friends who I go days on end without even seeing (on a campus of just 600 residents, that’s madness). But really, there’s nothing to give up: I'm only taking 16 credit hours, working 7 hours a week, editing the newspaper, and doing a whole lot of required service learning. I love all of these things, and I firmly believe that all of these things serve and honor God.

And really, the truth is that I asked for it. I asked Him to fill my life, to give me some purpose. He’s entrusted me with a lot, apparently. I don’t know about you, but when I ask God for something and He says “Yes!” I’m not about to try to give it back to Him—can you imagine? “Uh, actually God, just kidding! I didn't mean it!”

What I’m trying to remind myself of constantly is that God does not entrust us more than we can handle with Him on our side. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message version, which is growing on me): “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; He’ll always be there to help you come through it.” Or in the humorously cheesy words of a fitting song that I've been listening to lately, God says to us “I'ma let you bend, but I won’t let you break.”

I’m bending, friends! I’m bending past the point at which I would break on my own, but God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. What a reassurance!

Some other reasons why I’m not breaking:

The blessing of three incredibly godly women to come home to every night. ^

Intentional friendships with these ladies (among others not pictured), who it's okay to laugh, cry (more often than I'd like to admit) and just be ridiculous with. 

So here’s what I have to say about all that: when you ask God for something, make sure you really want it. I imagine that God absolutely loves prayers of abandon from an emboldened, passionate heart, but when you say “Send me, Lord,” be sure that you mean it. He has a serious habit of responding with “I was just waiting for you to ask!”

Also, as a side note, I wrote this post last week on a Greyhound bus on my way to an incredible Christian Community Development Association Conference in Minneapolis, but WiFi was super sketch so I couldn't actually post it. More on the conference (and the bus trip...ugh!) coming soon!

Be All There

Somehow it has been an entire two weeks since I walked in this front door in the wee hours of the morning, practically tripping over my feet as I rushed to be inside the place that I still consider home, although I have spent less than a month and a half here this year. I've spent the past few hours trying to make sense of the wreck of my room (honestly, I told my mom I was tempted to just light a match and walk away--she was not amused) in preparation to move back to school about 10 hours from now.

I feel a bit like a nomad lately (or a gypsy maybe, we should go with that) because it's difficult to settle anywhere when you know you'll only be there temporarily. I've had a hard time not moping around because I'm really, really missing both my job and everyone I met this summer, and I'm also worrying about the coming school year and the seeming enormous amount I have to tackle. What I've realized after a hard, long two weeks of lots of sad music and no shortage of tears is that I am living way too much in the past and the future.

 

 

 

 

Being "all there", wherever I am, is the only way I've ever really been content in my life. I've had a lot to look back on in the past few years to either be morose about or miss, and I've also known for quite awhile that my future, while exciting, will probably also be quite challenging.

 

But I'm not actually living in the past, nor can I change it, and thinking about the future never gets me too far (it probably doesn't help that most of the scenarios I think through are ridiculous or impossible!)

 

Matthew 6:30-34 (The Message) says "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you?...People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works... Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

 

What a reminder! What a promise! I do know God and how He works--I've been loving Him imperfectly for 12 years, and He hasn't failed me yet, even though we all know that I am a mess.

 

I don't want to spend the coming school year living in the past or worrying so much about the future. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, I want to be all there, not just there physically with my mind somewhere else.

 

We don't live in the past or future. As limited human beings, we're confined to the contraints of time, and thus we live right here, right now. Why are we trying to live anywhere else? We can't transcend the boundaries of time--that's God's business. He's at work in the past, present, and future (which completely blows my mind!), but we are not doing anything anywhere other than right here, right now.

 

I intend to live with this intention: to be present where I am, to focus my attention on those I am with and what I am doing. I'll leave the work in the past and future up to God--my thinking about both of these hasn't changed anything anyway. May I, and you too, be reminded of this each time we're not quite "all there."

Worth the Risk

This photo really needs no explanation.

So friends, my Texan summer has come to a close. I have been trying (and subsequently failing) to write this post since I returned home last Wednesday, and finally decided to just get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid.

I anticipated the transition between my Texas home and Illinois home to be hard, but even I was surprised as I had to pull over on my way out of town to cry my eyes out.

My last week in San Angelo was pretty much a whirlwind. I squeezed in as much time with my friends as possible, including an awesome two-day musical festival called Rock the Desert, where we saw The Afters, Needtobreathe, Chris Tomlin, and RELIENT K among others. A perfect way to spend my last weekend in Texas!

Something that I contemplated often throughout my summer and now in my transition to life back at home is whether or not temporary relationships are worth it.

When I first arrived in San Angelo, I completely had an all-business attitude. I did not sign up for a summer of having fun and meeting new friends, and I certainly did not intend to do either. I wanted to serve the Lord and do so whole-heartedly, which I thought meant focusing on my internship and only the work that that entailed. Admittedly, I also did not want to get close to people who I would inevitably be leaving. But God has always had the habit of taking my foolish plans and shaking them up, so I suppose I should not be surprised by the fact that He plopped me in one of the most incredibly loving and generous communities I have ever been a part of and surrounded me with multiple people who I felt instant connections with.

My two best friends from the summer are Wayne and Lucy. They were both missionaries from Go Now Missions, also sent to work for Kids Eat Free. Although required to spend about 8 hours a day, every day, together for our jobs, we also spent almost every weekend and many nights hanging out, usually "sheep hunting" around San Angelo and hitting up Sonic at happy hour.

Lucy and Wayne are two of the most faithful, God-honoring people I have ever met. Their passion for the work of God and love for His people impressed me, challenged me, and made me strive to hold more of these qualities in my own life. Working with both of them this summer was an honor, and I know that my experience would have been a lot more boring, quiet, and lonely without them.

It has been a full week now since they walked me out to my packed-to-the-brim car, waving as I pulled out of the office parking lot for the last time. Although many texts and facebook posts have already been exchanged, I often find myself thinking "Oh, I'll have to tell Wayne and Lucy about that when I get back to the office," and sadly realize that I will not, in fact, being seeing their faces anytime soon.


The other groups of people who kept me sane this summer were those that I met through my church, Southland Baptist, those in the College and Career class there, and friends that I made from the Air Force base. Again, I really tried to not make any friends--I seriously do not like to miss people. But I have never in my life been welcomed with such generosity and genuine kindness as I was in the community of San Angelo.
 


Hiking with some Church/Air Force friends.

Leaving San Angelo and all of the incredible friends I made there was wayyyy harder than I had anticipated. But not once on my way home or since I've gotten here have I thought I wish I hadn't bothered. These people are part of my story now. I wouldn't be the same without them or their friendship, no matter how temporary. Although many of us have promised to keep in touch, as time goes on and life gets all the crazier, we'll likely talk less and less. Some, I hope, will be a part of the rest of my life, even if this is only occasionally. 

Living the kind of life I have chosen, going where God leads me, means that I probably have a life chock-full of hellos and goodbyes ahead of me. Possibilities for the next few years include spending a semester in Kenya, joining the Peace Corps, or even just going to grad school in a different state. All of these situations would be knowingly temporary, and would require me to be faced with that risky decision once again: to invest or not invest?

Making new friends in a place where I lived for only 8 weeks was risky. For me, who loves deeply and takes friendship so seriously, I could not see how taking the risk to care about people I knew I would be leaving could ever be worth it. But I've changed my mind.

SO WORTH IT.

Loving Despite the Mess

Well today was a hot mess of a day. Although I arrived at work late, grumpy, and very tired, I also felt like I've gotten the hang of this meal site thing enough that I could arrive rather unprepared. Was I ever wrong.

I had the day's activity somewhat prepared for, but since I've done this for about 4 weeks now, I felt like I would be ok kind of winging it. Falso. 10 minutes into the activity time I had a room packed with 35 kids, glue and sequins covering the carpet (and windows somehow?), scissors being placed in mouths, rubber bands being flung across the room, and about 20 whining kids. I somehow forgot that based on the amount of kids that eat at this site and the come-and-go nature of craft time, I needed to have something prepared that involved little instruction. Everyone was asking me questions at once, parents were starting to come into the room to see what all the chaos was about, and children began to approach me while I was helping others, hitting my legs to get my attention (since when is hitting someone an appropriate way to ask them a question? News to me.) We weren't even halfway through and kids were starting to ditch, exclaiming "Well this was stupid.", and "Craft time is usually fun, but not today!" on their way out. It was apparent to me that I wasn't going to be able to help all the kids even complete a project, so I needed a new goal other than completing crafts, and this is what I chose: just love.

Being loving to these kids was the absolute last thing I felt like doing. I didn't want to hang out with them, I didn't want their sticky little fingers grabbing and tugging on my shirt, I didn't want to have to remove the crayons from one more nose or reassure one more kid that their drawing did look like something it in fact resembled in no way. I wanted to get the heck out of that hot, noisy room, jump in my car, and go home (as in home to Illinois). I wanted to whine to God "This is not what I signed up for!" (Boy, how many times has He heard that lament from me in the past few years??) But I begrudgingly spent the remaning 30 minutes being as loving as possible to the few kids who tried to stick it out and actually finish a project. I did not enjoy myself. I did not have a major attitude shift. I did not want to continue doing this job for the remaining week.



1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)

But who cares? I could have instructed 35 kids on making incredible, unrivaled pieces of artwork today, but if I'm not loving them, it would have worthless.

I have 5 more days to spend with the kids that I have given up a summer to serve. My projects for the remaining days may suck (in fact, I'm pretty sure they will.) We will more than likely make a  huge mess each day, and no one will go home having learned any useful art skills from me. But if I can get out of the way and let God work through me, and thus even one child on one day goes home thinking "Miss Anna really loves me," this entire summer has been completely worth it. May I continue to be reminded that my words and actions mean absolutely nothing without love.

A Heart Like His

Spectating at the rodeo.

Hiking at Enchanted Rock

Well folks, I'm clearly not going to win any awards for being a top-notch, consistent blogger. No real excuses, I just suck at blogging, so I guess we'll have to talk about most of my Texas adventures when I return home (which is happening in less than two weeks---insane!) I've met some incredible people, tried to adjust to Southern culture/heat, experienced a rodeo, drank sweet tea, went shopping for cowboy boots, hiked a giant boulder, discovered two lizards in my home, and referred to a 99 degree day as "cool." But that's just in my free time ;-)!


This summer I've been working for the Tom Green County Hunger Iniative. Through this organization, free meals are provided throughout July and August at 15 different church/community sites for kids 18 and under. Neighborhoods where 65% or more of children qualify for reduced-price or free school lunches are targeted, since these children aren't in school during the summer and therefore not getting cheap/free lunches. Kids 18 and under can walk into any of these sites, no ID required or questions asked, and sit down to a full meal lovingly prepared by members of the community. Incredibly, this entire program is privately funded, and has been for the 3 years of its existence. The people of this town are some of the most generous and welcoming I have ever encountered in my life, and they certainly do not let their own go without.

Art time with the kids--my favorite part of each day!

One of my main tasks is leading activities at the meal sites for the kids after they are done eating, to encourage them to keep coming back and give them a reason to stay in a safe (and air-conditioned!) place longer. Mostly, I plan and prepare craft/art projects (I'll make an exception for my hatred of the word craft in this situation, I suppose) and then have a blast playing with incredibly adorable kids every day.


One week I did an activity about healthy eating, and the kids convinced themselves that I'm a nutritionist/teacher who is 39 years old and must not have a husband since I have so much time to color pictures (correct on one count, at least). How I miss the logic of childhood.

Yesterday, I was at the busiest of our meal sites (it serves an average of 80 kids a day!) making tissue-paper stained glass pictures with about 30 kids. I was helping the little boy sitting next to me, who was about 3 or 4 years old, complete his project. This kid was just so darn full of joy that it was completely contagious. As he randomly glued squares of tissue paper on his frame and covered himself in glue, I stared down at him, chin resting on my hand, my mouth hurting from smiling and laughing, and was overwhelmed by how much I adored this kid and all the others I get to spend every day with. As my little friend glued a piece of paper to my arm, spread some glue on the table, and dumped paper scraps all over the floor, he looked up at me with wide eyes and that contagious smile and asked "Did I do a good job?" I replied "Sweetheart, you did a fantastic job. I've never seen a picture I liked more in my life." The next question made my heart skip a beat: "Do you like me?"..."Oh yes, oh so much."

In the moments that I'm hurting the most, feeling lonely and rejected by those around me, this is how I like to imagine God. Chin cradled in hand, adoringly staring down at me as I look up at Him and ask "Am I doing a good job?" His answer isn't always the same as mine was. More often than not I'm doing a really crappy job at life, you know with the sinful human nature and all. But I like to think that when I'm doing my absolute best to follow Him, even if I'm making a mess of things, He looks at my life and says "Sweetheart, I've never seen a thing I liked more in my life." Mercifully, his answer to "Do you really like me?" is always "Oh yes, oh so much."

My experiences this summer are teaching me so much about what I want out of life. Sure, there are some days where I'd really like to be laying on the beach, laughing around the dinner table with my family, or playing Dutch Blitz all night with my friends. But what I have discovered that I want so much more than that is to be like King David: I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I want my heart to look like His.

The above song has infected my head and my heart in the last couple of weeks. "At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say, that my heart looks like Your heart." I hope that that is happening more and more day by day.





Well, y'all, the question remains: will I be a better blogger from now on? Probably not :-P. Check back in another couple of months!

P.S. I garden and wear shorts now--changing for the better?

Traffic, Proxy Weddings, and Heat, Oh My!

Hello from West Texas, my friends! I know that it's been forever since I posted, but my life has been unbelievably FULL for the past week (hard to believe it's only been one week!)

 So much has happened in the past few days that I would love to write a post about every day, but I'll just give y'all (that's right, I said it ;-)) a quick run-down so as not to bore you!

 6/8 Friday: Mom and I left mid-morning (due to my last-minute packing!) and set off on our cross country drive. I am so thankful that my wonderful mother made this trip with me--those hours of chatting and laughing in the car were a great way to make this transition. We did get stuck in traffic in downtown St.Louis at rush hour for about 2 hours, then missed an exit which caused us to waste an hour getting back on track...but oh well. We spent the night just north of Springfield, Missouri.

A is Home, B is Crowley, and C is where I'm living for the summer

6/9 Saturday: We got back on the road bright and early in the morning, and arrived late afternoon in Crowley, Texas, to visit my Aunt Tam and Uncle Tom! They've lived in Texas for about 7 years now, and while we see Aunt Tam about once a year when she visits Wisconsin, we've never visited them in Texas before. They made us a delicious dinner and we spent the night catching up, and talking over the "dangers" of West Texas (I was warned about tarantulas and snakes, both of which I have yet to see, but hey, I've only been here a few days!)

 6/10 Sunday: After church and breakfast, Aunt Tam took Mom and me to downtown Fort Worth. We saw some historic sites, a sweet Barnes and Noble, and then visited a gorgeous Botanical Garden. That evening, Uncle Tom, Aunt Tam, and I dropped Mom off at the airport and she returned to Chicago. Saying goodbye to her was probably the first moment that it really hit me that I am actually doing this--I am actually living in Texas by myself all summer. Saying goodbye to her hurt and I definitely had to hold back plenty of tears. I am truly learning what it means to give up everything--even my family--to follow Christ's call on my life.

I drove down to Waco (about an hour and a half south of Crowley) to be ready for training that started the next day!

 6/11 Monday: I arrived at the Baylor School of Social Work to meet with the 8 other Texas Hunger Initiative Americorps VISTAs (when reading, you can just skip all those words and insert "interns"), only to learn that I am the only one who is not from Texas (or attending school in Texas), and I am the youngest. Seriously intimidating. Luckily, as we were introducing ourselves and playing the much hated "two truths and a lie" game, I was able to show everyone just how young I am/how I don't take myself too seriously at all by accidentally saying two lies and only one truth...no one thought it was as funny as I had been hoping.

Anyway, we had a super serious conference call with the head of the NY Americorps Hunger Initiative and an employee of the White House (I'm not sure exactly who that guy was, because there were about 50 new interns on the conference call, including one particular individual who seemed to think that everything was directed to him specifically and felt the need to respond to everything that was said, causing me to miss a lot of what we all actually needed to hear). We took the same oath that the president does, swearing to protect the country if a threat should arise, and agreed to abstain from posting political messages on twitter and facebook (and I suppose blogs too!) for the next 8 weeks.
While training was kind of a boring but necessary process, meeting everyone else was amazing...I love knowing that there are 8 others with similar passions to mine fighting hunger around the state.


6/12 Tuesday: Training continued, with representatives from the Texas Department of Agriculture coming to talk to us about how the program works statewide. The area that I'm working in is unique in that we are not funded by TDA, so a lot of this didn't apply to my forthcoming work, but I sat through it anyway.

Training ended around 3 p.m., I packed up my tiny little car, and hit the road for West Texas! Aside from a ridiculous rain storm that I had to pull over and wait out for about half an hour, the FIVE HOUR DRIVE was uneventful. I took a highway directly west from Waco, and hit nothing but tiny little towns for over four hours. The community that I'm living/serving in, while having a population of about 100,000, is really the only major area of civilization over here--definitely not something that I'm used to at all, coming from the Chicago suburbs!
I arrived at about 8:30 p.m., and met the very sweet couple, James and Cindy, who have generously offered me their guest house to stay in while I'm here. Carol, one of the directors of the Hunger Initiative here, and her husband were also there to meet me. I chatted with them all for a while and then pretty much fell into bed, absolutely exhausted!


{Ok, this post is getting seriously LONG. I’m just going to give y’all some short fragments now and not much explanation!}

6/13 Wednesday: My first day of work! Met the other two interns, Wayne and Lucy (fantastic people, and thankfully, exactly my age!), and had a long meeting about what we’re doing all summer (lots!). Didn’t have much work to do yet, so went to a wonderful organization called the House of Faith to help with their summer sports camps until the early evening. Worked on some stuff for the Hunger Initiative until 7 pm, went to a college Bible study with Wayne and Lucy, which turned out to actually be a proxy wedding that particular night. Believe it or not, I have actually never attended a proxy wedding before, so this was certainly a great way to spend my first full night in my new community. I was told by many “we don’t usually do this in Texas”, but I’m not sure I believe anyone—that is usually exactly what I say when I don’t want people to think our Chicagoan habits are weird ;-). Got home after 11 pm and fell into bed.

6/14 Thursday: Food Planning Association meeting all morning, which included anyone who has anything to do with hunger anything in the county. Super awesome, super great people, super excited to get to work! Worked on some maps in the afternoon (an interesting task for me, as I have no sense of direction), and finally went shopping for food that evening. I did commit a southern faux pas at the store, and forgot to “ma’am/sir” the checkout person/bagger, but I’m working on it!

6/15: Friday: Plastered the town with KIDS EAT FREE posters all morning and had a meeting in the afternoon. Thought I was going to die on my drive home from work of heat/thirst, arrived home around 4 pm, and collapsed into bed for a nap (I wonder if I will ever have any energy after I’m done working in the afternoon/evening?). Talked to my mom on the phone FOREVER, which I loved, and fell asleep to local news around 10:30 (I’m trying to fit into the culture at least a bit!)

Today I’m chilling at the local public library, which is beautiful, just catching up on emails and the like. (Wifi in my guest house works, on occasion, if I’m situated in the correct corner with my computer held at a certain angle, and only for about 5 minutes, so I’m thankful for anywhere that I can get internet!)


Basically, life is a fast-moving blur at the moment. I only have 7 weeks left here to make a difference, and I am beyond excited about what I get to do this summer. Life is sweet (and hot!), God is good, and I’m sitting at a library in West Texas. Who would have thought!

How High Should I Jump?: Texas Bound

So...a lot has gone down in the last few weeks. About a month ago I received an email passing along an opportunity to serve with the Texas Hunger Initiative in a partnership with Baylor University, which is all under the umbrella of the Americorps Summer VISTA program (probably more details than any of you need or understand though ;-)). As soon as I opened the email and read about this program, I had the urge to just drop everything and go. After resisting the urge to jump out of my seat and secure the soonest flight to Texas, the logical side of my brain kicked in, and I wanted to think on it for a few days, and then apply if I still felt like it. But I knew that if I didn't fill out the application right away, I never would. So I filled out an application form within minutes of reading about this program, submitting nothing more than my name, major, and interest in serving through THI. I submitted it with a deep breath, a few words of prayer for wisdom, and decided not to tell anyone about it for the sake of avoiding making it into a big deal if it wasn't actually going to happen.

That night, I laid in bed, unable to sleep, and wrestled with God. I so very badly did not want to be away from home this summer; with everything that my family went through last year, I was looking forward to a summer of simply savoring time with them. Cara and I had been keeping a countdown of the days until I would return home for the summer, and I knew that choosing to take this opportunity over spending the summer with my family could potentially hurt a lot of feelings. But God kept reminding me that He calls us to drop everything, (not just the things that are easy to drop, but absolutely everything) and go where He calls. Laying in my bed in the wee hours of the night, tears streaming down my face, I said "Okay, God, I will go where You call. Even if that means away from my family, even if that means to Texas for the summer. You're saying jump, so I'm going to jump. But I'm not going to ask how high, because I have a feeling that if I saw how far You're going to call me to go, I would be too scared to listen. So my answer is okay. I will go. As far as You call."

Approximately 36 hours later I had a voicemail message from the program director, completed a phone interview just a week after I had applied, and found out that I had been selected for the program about a week and a half later, the day that I was moving out of my dorm. After hanging up the phone call that had secured my summer, I ran into my room where my roommates were packing up (they were some of the few whom I had told about this). I quietly said "Guess what, everyone?", but there was no hiding the what with the grin on my face. I lifted both arms in the air and yelled "I'M GOING TO TEXAS, BABY!!!!" The room erupted into screams and we were quickly consumed by lots and lots of hugging and yelling over each other. I believe I was ordered to return in the fall with a pair of cowgirl boots and a Southern gentleman...back to the point though.

All of this has come up so quickly, and has involved quite a bit of coordination. My family, although sad that I will be away for the summer, has come together to do everything possible to make this work for me. I knew right away that I wouldn't be able to bring my old lemon of a high school car cross-country, and finding a reliable, affordable car to purchase has been a team effort (met with success tonight as I prepare to purchase the cutest shiny red car, which seriously makes me feel like a grown up). My mom and I will begin the drive on June 8th (my first day of service is June 11th), and then she'll fly back home, leaving me down there to serve until August 6th.

Strangely, I  have about 0% fear going into this. I am more than anything, completely and totally excited to have the opportunity to impact hungry people this summer, and can not wait to see what God has in store for me and others. I know that He has my back, so without any fear or trepidation (and a lot more confidence than my mother would prefer), I am Texas bound.

I intend to be a much better blogger this summer, and narrate my experiences right here. Wanna come along on this adventure with me? If you see it through my eyes, and grab a hold of God's hand, there is nothing to be afraid of!

Sitting Shiva: Thoughts on Comfort

We have all been in a situation where someone close to us, or maybe even someone we don't know well at all, has experienced a loss or is going through a time of great pain. What can we do when someone we love is hurting? What can be done for a person when their loved one is gone? What can we say to someone when they are waiting on the results of medical tests or as they try to recover from news of a terrible diagnosis?

As someone who wants to take care of and bear the burdens of everyone I meet, I so badly want to do something for anyone in my life who is hurting. But what about when someone has passed away, when the diagnosis is horrific, when someone close to you is watching a family member suffer day after day? What can you do when nothing you say or do can end the pain?

Last summer there were a few weeks when I was hurting more than I had been in years, as my mom recovered from the cancer that had destroyed part of her body and my dad learned to walk again after a massive stroke. People in my life brought meals and mowed the lawn and vacuumed the floors, all of which was wonderful and beautifully displayed their love for my family. A lot of people said a lot of words too, words about how it would be okay and there was a reason for this and, and...and I remember none of what was said. While I was in a time of such great pain, aching at the hurting of my parents and sisters that I could not ease, I did not believe that things were going to be ok, I did not see any reason for this to be happening to us.

The single act of comfort that I remember most clearly from this time was the simplest in nature. A dear friend of mine brought over a meal when I happened to be home alone. As soon as she brought the food inside, I busied myself putting things in the fridge so she would not see the tears that escaped my eyes as they did so often that summer. I closed the fridge door, turning around to find her standing behind me. There was no hiding my red eyes as I looked at her, tears streaming down both of our faces. She took both of my hands in her own, saying exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, and no more: "I am so sorry, Anna." Then she wrapped her arms around me and we cried together. For the first time in so many weeks, I was not alone in my hurting, nor did I feel like I had to hide it.  She wrapped her arms around me, and in those moments, I was no longer hurting alone, no longer suffering alone. We were hurting together.

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

I once saw a video that described how people in Jewish culture mourn the death of a loved one. When someone dies, the deceased's immediate family returns to their house after the funeral services to begin a week-long custom referred to as sitting shiva. Throughout the week following the funeral, other family members and friends come over and simply sit with those who are mourning. No words are said, nothing other than maybe a prepared meal is done for the family. Those that wish to comfort the ones they love simply hurt alongside them.

I think that this a beautiful picture of how we can bring comfort to those we love, either in times of unbelievable pain or smaller hurts. We aren't always able to do something to fix the problem of the one we love. So don't try. Just show up. Sit down. Hurt with them.

7 Things that God has Been Teaching Me Lately

1. People are so, so messy. And just when I decide that someone is too much of a mess for me, God reveals the fallen nature of another's life, or reminds me of my own dirt. Praise be to Him for overlooking what a "pig in the mud" I am--may I be able to forgive the dirt of others.

2. Life here is temporary, and should be treated as such. We should be living each moment in a way that we would be proud to die during.

3. God cares about all the little details of our lives--even my school newspaper! Crazy. And I thought I had a lot to balance.

4. Self-explanatory:

 

5. Joy in Him does not always mean happiness, and especially does not mean comfort. I am not very happy today. But I am full of joy.

6. Don't judge. Just love.

7. He always takes me back. Even when I act like I don't need Him for awhile, and think that I can do this on my own, He takes me back, with compassion and grace and unfailing love. Oh, to love like that! Can you imagine?!?!

Beautifully Breathless

Today has been one of those days that I have come to learn is typical of my life now, where I haven't stopped doing since my alarm went off at 7:40 this morning. I awoke, still quite sleepy after getting in to bed at 1:30, got ready for the day (complete with a mini meltdown while doing my makeup, witnessed by Lisa--apparently I lack any type of judgment as far as what looks good at 8 in the morning). I ran out the door to my job in the social work department, where I was instantly overwhelmed with the return of the department head, who has been on leave since last semester, as I was now receiving direction from 3 different superiors and had to make judgment calls on what tasks need to be prioritized. After work, I grabbed lunch to go, and enjoyed 20 minutes of eating and laughing at reality TV ridiculousness with my roommates before again running out the door to my Lifetime Fitness class. And true to form, my life has to be a joke in some way every day--as I arrived breathless (this class is in the gym, the building farthest from my dorm on campus, so I had to run to be on time), I was locked out of the classroom. For some reason, my knocking did not indicate to the other students who COULD SEE ME THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR that I was locked out, so the professor had to stop lecturing to let me in. Sat through that class (more like kept myself awake by filling out my planner for the next few weeks), rushed to the library to do a run-through of my speech to Becca, went to Oral Interpretation, and delivered said speech. After class, I rushed to meet a professor about a story that he wants the newspaper to cover, then met with the Dean of Students about more newspaper stuff, and have now been in the office since 3:20 answering e-mails about the paper.

It's easy to get bitter about days like these. It's Monday and the coming week shows no signs of slowing down, I'm tired, my eyes have hurt since I got out of bed, and I can't help but feel like I am being pulled in a thousand different directions by people who seemingly need something from me: my section editors need answers, my professors need assignments, my boss(es) need things to be completed. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not bitter. In fact, days like these mostly just make me feel quite blessed.

(photo courtesy of pinterest.com)

Days such as these, where I literally am breathless from rushing place to place, remind me of the One who still manages to take my breath away, even after 11 years. As I was walking from my last meeting back to the newspaper office, I forced myself to slow down to a meandering pace (so hard for me to do--slow walkers drive me crazy!), breathe deeply, and with each excruciatingly slow step, remind myself and simultaneously thank God for how He has blessed me so. Because all of the things that stressed me out and tired me out today? They are all, in essence, quite beautiful (ok, aside from the eyeshadow incident--there really was no recovering from that). The reason I have to prioritize between tasks at work is because the professors I work for and I have countless opportunities to work towards social justice every day. I have the blessing of a cafeteria that I can grab a quick meal from whenever I need to throughout the week. The friends that I ate and laughed with are dearer to me than nearly anyone else on earth. The classes I attended are preparing me for the opportunities I will have to glorify God with my life after school, and were, in themselves, chances to bring Him glory. My work for the paper is, I hope, being used to encourage communication and understanding amongst the students of this campus, and thus, I hope, working for Christ's purposes.

This is how I have managed to not only "get through" the beginning days of this semester. I am not simply getting by--I am savoring, I am intentionally using these moments that are marching me towards my eternal home. My one life, the singular earthly life that I have is happening every day around me. There will be no more simply getting through. Every neuron that fires correctly in my brain, every cell that divides the way it was meant to, every beat of my heart, every breath that I take, is a direct blessing from the Creator of all things, who is alive and at work in the here and now--not just in the past or my "promising" future. May I continue to savor each moment as such.

As I rush off to meet my friends for dinner and plunge head-first into a night full of pressing assignments, it probably won't be long again before I am breathless. Beautifully so.