As someone who wants to take care of and bear the burdens of everyone I meet, I so badly want to do something for anyone in my life who is hurting. But what about when someone has passed away, when the diagnosis is horrific, when someone close to you is watching a family member suffer day after day? What can you do when nothing you say or do can end the pain?
Last summer there were a few weeks when I was hurting more than I had been in years, as my mom recovered from the cancer that had destroyed part of her body and my dad learned to walk again after a massive stroke. People in my life brought meals and mowed the lawn and vacuumed the floors, all of which was wonderful and beautifully displayed their love for my family. A lot of people said a lot of words too, words about how it would be okay and there was a reason for this and, and...and I remember none of what was said. While I was in a time of such great pain, aching at the hurting of my parents and sisters that I could not ease, I did not believe that things were going to be ok, I did not see any reason for this to be happening to us.
The single act of comfort that I remember most clearly from this time was the simplest in nature. A dear friend of mine brought over a meal when I happened to be home alone. As soon as she brought the food inside, I busied myself putting things in the fridge so she would not see the tears that escaped my eyes as they did so often that summer. I closed the fridge door, turning around to find her standing behind me. There was no hiding my red eyes as I looked at her, tears streaming down both of our faces. She took both of my hands in her own, saying exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, and no more: "I am so sorry, Anna." Then she wrapped her arms around me and we cried together. For the first time in so many weeks, I was not alone in my hurting, nor did I feel like I had to hide it. She wrapped her arms around me, and in those moments, I was no longer hurting alone, no longer suffering alone. We were hurting together.
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| Photo courtesy of Pinterest |
I once saw a video that described how people in Jewish culture mourn the death of a loved one. When someone dies, the deceased's immediate family returns to their house after the funeral services to begin a week-long custom referred to as sitting shiva. Throughout the week following the funeral, other family members and friends come over and simply sit with those who are mourning. No words are said, nothing other than maybe a prepared meal is done for the family. Those that wish to comfort the ones they love simply hurt alongside them.
I think that this a beautiful picture of how we can bring comfort to those we love, either in times of unbelievable pain or smaller hurts. We aren't always able to do something to fix the problem of the one we love. So don't try. Just show up. Sit down. Hurt with them.
